Sunday, March 17, 2013

Blogging for Endometriosis – Week 2

I didn’t want week 2 of Blogging for Endometriosis Awareness to end without sharing this week’s topic:  Mental impact that endo has had on your life.

I must say that Endometriosis has impacted not only my physical life, but my mental state as well.  The biggest impact it has had, is the fact that I was never to have children.  This has been the biggest and saddest part of having Endometriosis.  Having to go through life without having a baby, has made me resent Endometriosis, my body, God, and life for the longest time. 

I dreamt of having children.  I dreamt of doing all those things that women without Endometriosis take for granted, especially, particularly, motherhood.  After my divorce from CA, almost 15 years ago, I was single for a long time, so it was never an “option” to bring a child into the world.  So, I kept putting it off.  And continue to deal with my physical well being, as only Endometriosis patients know. 

A couple of years after I met my husband JM, cancer appeared and all priorities changed.  Endometriosis may have saved my life, but it also kept me from what I wanted most:  motherhood.  And with cancer, I wasn’t sure I wanted to bring a baby into the world.  I didn’t think it would be fair to him or her to come into the world of a sick mother.  It was madness!  All I could do was cry and feel guilty. 

Believe it or not, when I was diagnosed with Kidney Cancer, all I could think about was, “now I won’t be able to have my baby…”  I kept asking my gyno and my oncologyst and they kept saying the same thing, “we’ll see”.   I wasn’t worried about cancer.  I wasn’t even worried about surviving.  I was worried about my chances of becoming a mother.  I wanted to know that after my cancer treatment I would be able to have a child.  It was an obsession.  It was draining.  I was exhausting.

It took me 2 years to get back to normal after my radical nephrectomy (removal of kidney) and be declared in total remission.  So, I started talking about babies again.  Constantly.  It was all I could think of.  I was all I could dream of.  I was furious for a while - with myself mostly - for not doing it sooner.  For trying to be healthy from Endometriosis before getting pregnant, for not going to Europe and get an IVF and be a single mother.  I was furious at God, at life, at my genes… And all I kept thinking was, no baby for me.  It was sad.   I was sad.

When I turned 39 I went back to the gyn.  Let’s do an IVF I said.  A dozen of tests were ordered.  And I came out with Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia on my left breast. 

Although it was not Endometriosis fault, with  breast “pre-cancer” no IVF could be done.  So again I was met with disappointment, sadness and frustration.  Again “motherhood” was far, far from my reach.  And a decision was made to do a full hysterectomy last May.  No more Endometriosis – and no more baby dreams for me. 

I started visiting a Psychologist a couple of years ago.  He has helped me cope with living life without children and the tears have now stopped.  I guess I’ve resigned myself to a childless life.  

Read Week 1 here.
Linking up with A New Kind of Normal for Blogging for Endometriosis Awareness 

1 comment:

  1. I feel your pain about not being able to experience pregnancy. It will be five years in May since I had my total hysterectomy (and endo still plagues me). I am blessed to have become a mother through the miracle of adoption and I love my daughter more than words can express but I still experience grief over losing my fertility. I've never gotten the chance to see the 2nd line pop up on a pregnancy test or seen a heartbeat flickering on the ultrasound screen. I've never felt life moving within me and it hurts so bad. I think so many people take that for granted or blow off how important it can be in how we define ourselves as women. And obviously I am a big advocate for adoption but it doesn't replace that loss. The grief is very real. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. It is so hard. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can find me!